What Do You Want?
We’ve all heard the saying, “Be careful what you wish for…” but has anyone ever asked you to think about why that is? Is it because we don’t want to be disappointed in the moment of anticipation before getting what we want? Or do we fear missing out on something better?
I like to think of this quote as a reminder that when we are fully engaged in the process of determining what we want, we often find that it is not just one thing—there’s usually more than one thing on our list. And then there’s another layer: remembering that you are multi-faceted and wanting different things at different times—and not only having these changes from year-to-year or month-to-month but within each day! So what do you want?
When we fully engage in the process of determining what we want, we often find that it is not just one thing.
We are not asking for a promotion or a new car or a vacation; instead, our desires are more complex and nuanced than that. We may have multiple desires, some of which are healthy and some of which are not. For example, you may want to check in with yourself periodically—and then listen closely to what you hear—to determine if your current situation is making you happy or unhappy. If something isn’t working for you (whether it’s your job, your relationship status), consider taking steps toward changing it so that your life becomes more aligned with who you really are and what fulfills you most deeply.
Remember that you are multi-faceted and want different things at different times.
You have many roles in your life. You can be a parent and a grandparent, an employee and a boss, an artist and a critic. Even if you don’t yet know what you want to do with or for your life, it’s important to remember that the person who wants something today is not necessarily the same person who will want something tomorrow. You might want to be a parent when you’re young; then later in life, becoming a grandparent may become more appealing. You might work in academia now but find yourself transitioning into teaching when you retire from being an administrator. Asking yourself what do I want? at any one point in time doesn’t mean that this is all there is—or ever will be—for your future self!
I encourage all my clients to be specific.
What does that mean? Being specific means being clear about the outcomes you want, not just the actions.
For example, if someone said “I want to lose weight”—without any other explanation—it would be difficult for them to know whether or not their goal was in reach and how much effort it might require on their part.
Wanting something is different than having a clear target and timeline for achieving it. By being specific, you make it much easier for yourself (and others) to recognize whether or not your goals are attainable and realistic in terms of time frame and amount of effort required.
It may seem like an obvious point: if you’re thinking about wanting something big because it’s exciting or seems easy then maybe reconsider going after such dreams right now since they probably won’t happen anytime soon!
Your wants change as you go through life, so you will want to check in with yourself periodically. For example:
- When you are an adolescent, your wants might include independence and freedom from parents/authority figures.
- As a young adult, your wants may be more focused on establishing yourself professionally and romantically.
- As an older adult (or perhaps even in your twenties), it’s possible that your want list will expand again when its time for children of your own!
We all have wants and desires, some of which are healthy, and some of which may not be.
Wants are usually fleeting goals that we have no control over. Desires, on the other hand, tend to be long-term goals that require effort and commitment to achieve. For example:
- The want: To make more money so I can buy a new car!
- The desire: To earn more money so I can save for my children’s college education!
The first one is just a dream—a wish that has no substance behind it. The second one is something you could actually work toward by finding ways to increase your income (maybe by getting another job or asking for raises)
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
This is a famous line from the Rolling Stones song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” one of many songs that has been covered by many artists over the years. In this case, it’s BSB member Nick Carter who lends his vocals to this particular version of the song.
Knowing what you truly want and need is essential to living a meaningful life.
We need to know what we want in order to be happy, healthy, and successful. But how do we figure it out? Where do our desires come from? How can we change them if they’re not serving us well? These are all questions I’ve asked myself over the years as someone who has struggled with depression, social anxiety and low self-esteem at various points in my life.
This is a question we will explore during this reading.
It is not easy to answer, but it’s important to know what you want as part of your life journey.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. Remember?
What do you want?
- What do you want to accomplish?
- What do you want to change?
- What do you want to learn?
- What do you want to feel?
- What do you want to experience?
Getting Ready To Do The Exercise: The question may seem simple, but most of the time getting to the answer isn’t so easy.
You’ve probably heard this question before: What do you want? The difficulty lies in the fact that we often don’t know what it is that we really want. We just assume or assume by default or tell ourselves what other people think we should have and then try to figure out how to make it happen.
So before you can begin taking steps toward getting what you want, ask yourself these questions:
- Why am I doing this? What am I trying to accomplish? How will this help me get closer to my goal?
- Why do I feel like I need it? What is preventing me from having it right now (if anything)? These two questions can help clarify your thinking and identify whether there are any obstacles standing in your way. If not, then great! You might just be looking at something new because you were curious about it—that’s fine too!
Let’s begin by writing down one thing you want to accomplish. I’ll give you a few minutes to do that.
It doesn’t matter where or how you write it, but writing down what you want is an important first step in this process. The best way to get started is by figuring out how and why someone else would know what your goal was. If they were talking about the topic of your goal with another person, what would they say? What could they say?
For example: “I’m going on vacation” gives us nothing more than information; “I’m going on vacation because I haven’t taken one in six years!” tells me why and that there must be some sort of urgency for taking this trip now rather than later.
Did you write something down?
If not, you might not be ready to do this exercise yet. You might need more time or a different approach to getting clear on your goals and desires. If so, please revisit the section called “Getting Ready To Do The Exercise” and try again.
If yes, then congratulations! You’ve taken an important first step in setting your sights on what’s possible for yourself. Now it’s time to keep going…
Now look at your answer, and ask yourself why you want that.
In this case, why do you want to be promoted? Maybe it’s to make more money and have more security.
Why do you want that? Why does having more money and security matter to you so much? Maybe because of your family or friends who depend on you financially, or maybe because all the other things in life that seem important take financial resources. If they’re important enough for us to spend our time, energy and money on them—to make them a priority—then they must be worth something more than just spending our time/energy/money on them (in other words: making them a priority).
Why do these things matter so much? What motivates us so deeply that we care about prioritizing these things over others in our lives?
For example, say you wrote ‘Get a promotion.’
So, ask yourself, “Why do I want this promotion? What would that mean for my life?” You might be surprised how many of your desires come from similar core needs and wants. If you can answer that question honestly, then you have a solid starting point for making your list: What are the things that will lead me to being happier and healthier?
This is what I call the ‘why’ phase of creating a dream board or vision board. It’s important to really think about why we want something before we start listing off random goals and desires without any context or understanding of where they’re coming from. We need to uncover our true motivations before we can take action towards achieving them.
Keep asking why until you reach your core need or desire.
- Ask yourself why you want that?
Do this with the other things on your list. Congrats on doing this work! It can be very revealing!
You’ve done a lot of work so far! It’s time to take a breather and see what you’ve accomplished.
You can be proud of yourself for taking the time to do it and for being willing to do the hard work that goes into figuring out what you want in your life.
Let’s look at what we’ve got:
- You now have an idea of some things that are important to you, which will help when making decisions about your life (or helping others make decisions).
- You know why those things are important, in terms of how they make me feel or how they affect other people, etc., which helps me understand myself better and make more informed choices (and also gives me more confidence when asking others for help).
You might be surprised how many of your desires come from similar core needs and wants.
If you were to ask people why they want something, they’d probably give you a pretty good reason. But what if there was something deeper, more fundamental at work? The core need or want is the heart of the matter—it’s what really matters to you and what makes other things important. It’s not always easy to articulate, but it’s often worth spending some time exploring this question: What do I really need? If we can find our true core needs and wants (and aren’t afraid to share them), we have a chance at achieving a deep sense of happiness that lasts throughout our lives.
To Conclude
We’re all human, and we all want to feel happy. But that’s not always easy. Sometimes our wants conflict with each other or with the needs of others, and it can be hard to know what’s right when this happens. The best thing I can tell you, as a coach, is to follow your heart. Listen closely to what it tells you, and make sure that what you do will result in a positive outcome for everyone involved (including yourself!).